I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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