I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
