Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
