who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
