I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
