He disabled his match.com account in front of me
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
