Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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