it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
