I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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