Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
