the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
