you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
