ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
