Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
