i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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