i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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