Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
