bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
