so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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