Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
