I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
