home. puking in laundry basket.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
