What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
