I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
