i wish there were pregnant emoticons
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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