Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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