I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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