it wasn't lemon gatorade
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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