They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
