O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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