Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
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