my mouth tastes like poor choices
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
