my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
