How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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