How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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