dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
