I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so let's talk penis.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
