Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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