Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
