I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
