im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
