You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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