dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
