$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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