It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
