I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
