You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
