it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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