we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
