I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
